The Thwack

I read and appreciate every text, every comment, every Facebook message, every email, every card. If our situation was a stewpot, we are at the place where the ladle can’t get one more full serving. We are scraping the bottom. I am both okay and not. I am calm and frenzied. I am sure of our path and actively pounding my internal brakes against it. I have stark facts I understand and complete uncertainty in most areas. I need, we need, a lot right now. I can put my finger on none of it.

This is what I know. Mark’s surgery will be Thursday at 7am. I keep checking and rechecking my math, but one stark fact is this: his surgery should be completed between10pm – 12am. Every two hours, I will be allowed to ask for an update. The update will be: everything is going according to plan. Unless something is wrong. Then I will get called in to talk to the surgeons in between the two hour vacuous check-ins. I will want to leave the hospital during the day, to get sun on my face and take a walk. I will be afraid that by doing that, I’ll miss some critical update from a surgeon. I will become very still and very isolated. It will feel like when I gave birth to each of my kids. I closed my eyes, went deep inside my brain, and rode the waves of contractions for hours.

If I was a pinball, I’d be entering the ramp down to the flipper. I’d have bounced and bounced and bounced against bumpers, racking up points in an unknowable game. Sliding down the chute, the strange hope is that I’ll get that solid thwack. To not get it is to lose it all.

I am not a metal pinball. I am flesh and consciousness. No matter the outcome, this is going to hurt.

6 thoughts on “The Thwack

  1. Oh Diane! I’m so struck and broken hearted by your anticipation of feeling isolated. Please know that my spirit and prayers will be with you while you sit there and try to stay grounded. I know that feeling of being submerged under water, of feeling not part of the normal world. I will send love and hugs to surround you while you try to absorb everything the doctors say and maintain hope.

  2. You and Mark will be in my prayers & thoughts on Thursday. You are a very strong willed, kind person to get through all of this, I’m glad Mark has you by his side.

  3. My heart aches for you and Mark and your family. Please know I am praying for you all for strength, patience, and perseverance and for the doctors. I wish there was a way to have someone there with you to physically support you through this and step to step in when you need that much needed sunshine and fresh air. Know you are not alone in spirit that we are with you sending positive vibes your way.

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